Definition of Success

I'm bummed out about my Mod C & Hazmat test. I just can't come to terms with a grade in the 80s. I really just need to get over myself, but oh well. I think I set my standards too high.

I read a quote today that stated "Success is whatever you think it is. No one else's definition is worth anything. Only you can decide whether you succeeded." It made me think long and hard. A lot of times I do base my success off of what other people think of me. It is nice to get a pat on the back; and every once in a while I can accept the praise. Other times, people say "good job," but all I can think of "it wasn't that great" or "I definitely could have done better." I'm not sure what I can do to make myself realize that I'm doing okay, that I'm still new at this job, and nobody can be perfect all the time. I'm always really good at reassuring everyone else, but I'm not so good at doing the same for myself-something to work on I suppose.

Things happen for a reason. I will do the very best on my exams tomorrow that I can. I am really wigging out about them right now. I have been staring at my ERG (Emergency Response Guidebook) for about an hour now: trying to learn all the placards, the hazard classification system (and the divisions within each classification), the different ways to identify railcars, trailers, and tankers, the container types for different classes of materials.....I'm exhausted. I think the only thing I can remember for sure is the number to call in case of a hazmat emergency: 9-1-1, use the thumb rule, then 1-800-CHEMTREC. Damn. I wish I didn't have to take both these tests tomorrow. I've definitely got the thumb rule down-can I just test out on that? I promise I'll put a pair of binoculars in my car.

Mod C is another hassle, another story. I have a zillion NFPA codes to remember- I still have to go through the chapters covered in this mod to be sure I definitely know the codes covered. Other than that there really wasn't much to this mod. That is kind of the scary part. The less material-the more detail you need to know. Basically we covered: Fire prevention/pub ed, incident command, alarms/communications, ropes & knots, and terrorism awareness/ FF survival. Way less material than either of the previous modules. I will probably be up all night studying.

There once was another quote that I lived by, but today it is not making my situation any easier. "The problems of today will only be solved when we resolve ourselves to focus on tomorrow." The only problem with that is just that....today's problems are tomorrow!!!

I should probably stop jibber-jabbering and study, but I probably need this break so that I don't completely freak out and end up walking around the apartment complex, in the snow, naked, reciting NFPA codes....ha, ha. Very funny.

Not to worry-I will just light some candles and try to relax, read a book (not a school book) for a few minutes, and then get back to work.

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Yeah, so I just tried to light a candle and almost burned my finger off. Ouch. You know, those candles in a jar, that you have to reach an inch inside it to get to the wick....yeah, I tried to use a lighter (a mini-lighter at that) and totally burned my thumb. I think I'm getting a blister :( What an ass.

So much for the relaxation. The candles are lit though, as is my finger, and I believe I have finally wasted enough of the precious time (now only 10 hours until my exams) messing around and procrastinating.

I do have some good news though....I stayed in a holiday inn express last night.....No. Actually the good news is this: whether I get an 80 or a 100 on the exams tomorrow I will still be a firefighter when this is all over with. As they say: whether you graduate at the top or at the bottom of your class, you still graduate as a firefighter. I guess that's true. The count down to graduation is now four days. Wow.

We have one more practical before graduation. We are having live burns at the ComEd facility in Zion on Sunday. We will just be burning pallets and hay, etc. in the burn towers, but fun all the same.

I'm still not even sure I will be able to get my car unstuck to get to the exam tomorrow morning...shit. Hopefully I will, considering the test is an hour away in Mundelein. And I sure hope we don't get anymore snow tonight to slow my progress anymore. Okay, now that I'm done being completely pessimistic, I'm gonna go study :)

Traction Control

Not too bad of a day. I guess I'm kind of saying that sarcastically. I didn't accomplish anything. The weather channel said we were supposed to get 1-3 inches of snow today. Okay, I can deal with that. It looked horrible outside by 1500. Great. Just what I wanted to drive in to get to class tonight. It just got worse as the evening progressed.

I tried and tried to study- or at least look over my quizzes, etc. for my Mod C and Hazmat test for tonight. I didn't get very far- I kept getting queasy and running to the toilet before I vomited all over myself. I'm not sure if it was about the test or maybe the flu, but thank God I'm feeling a bit better now.

Driving to class was ridiculous. Tonight, since it was a test night, the class was held at a neighboring department. (This department sends their recruits to our academy) I'm glad it was so because this station is much closer to my apartment than my station. I think it took me 20 minutes to go 3 miles- no joke. None of the roads seemed to have even been touched by a snow plow.

I got to class just on time. We waited. And waited. My instructor forgot that class wasn't at our station tonight-so he was late. Isn't that funny. We got through "review" and took our test. I had a really bad feeling once I turned mine in that I didn't do well at all. Then I waited about 15 minutes for the rest to finish. Our instructor gave us another lecture on how "chiefs have their monthly meetings and talk about everybody" and about things previous students got wrong on the state Mod C test. Good times. Not. I was just ready to go home and go to bed. Shortly there after we got our scores- mine was above an 80 so I was okay. Most of the others didn't fare quite so well. As long as I can pull that off on the state test on Saturday- I'm good to go. We shall see.

Driving home was even worse than coming. I think we probably got six inches of snow by now. My car wasn't designed for the snow. I drive a Chevy Cobalt...not good traction. I warmed up my car while I brushed off the snow. My car almost got stuck leaving the department right as I was pulling into the road; my tires were spinning. My car has a little computer thingy that tells the temperature, mileage, etc. on it. I also discovered several weeks ago that when it drops below 33 degrees it says "ice possible." Tonight, as I slid onto the road, it said "low traction." I was just like, "No shit, Sherlock." My car was all over the place. I rode it in second gear all the way home, and currently I think it is stuck in the parking space I put it in. The butt of the car was sticking out about three feet because I couldn't pull up any farther because I was stuck...oh well. I'll let the maintenance people deal with it tomorrow.

I see some good R & R happening now with some hot chocolate...mmm

No IV? No Problem!

I just had a fleeting memory of a call that I thought I should share. A few weeks ago, my partner and I were called to a local nursing home for something....can't remember what (maybe hypertension, vomiting, maybe a nosebleed). Anyways, we did our normal assessment get our stuff together, package the patient and get him out to the rig. It had already been a horrendously long day and both of us were pretty spent (both physically and mentally).

Once in the rig, I started doing my paperwork as my partner did vitals etc. The guy's B/P was around 200/120- definitely something to note. His blood glucose was around 365. Great. We tried multiple times to get a line and couldn't get one. We couldn't help out his blood pressure because we couldn't get a line to give him any drugs; and we couldn't give him fluid to help his glucose because his pressure was so high. My partner, out of the blue, was like, "Well, it doesn't really matter if we get a line. We can give him glucagon IM." I actually had to think for a few seconds. She is the "senior medic" and all, but I wasn't sure if she was serious or if she was testing me. I thought, maybe she knows something I don't (was I asleep for that part of class?). I gave her a strange look....she gave me one back. Yeah, she totally didn't mean to say that. I guess that's what a long day will do to you. We both had a really good laugh about it, and then headed out to get some more coffee. I'm laughing about it now :) It may not seem that funny, but I guess you had to have been there.

Tonight I taught for the EMT-B class in Waukegan. It was their final night for testing out on practicals. I got assigned to medication administration: nitro, epi-pen, and inhaler. I tested out probably 20 students when one of the lead instructors came over the radio and asked me to come to his office (uh-oh). I was just being switched stations. Medical assessment was getting backed up, so I tested about 15 students out on that before the night was over. For the most part the students did well. A few barely made it, but I didn't have to fail anyone.

It is crazy to think that there are so many students going through this class each semester. There are three classes per year (fall, spring, and summer). Each class I think graduates an average of 35 people. That seems like an awful lot for half of the county. I don't know where all these kids go after they're done with class. There certainly aren't that many job openings around here. They must go further south or just take the class for the education-not to practice. Strange.

I can't believe just how cold it is getting outside. We probably have about six inches of snow on the ground now, and it is about 10 degrees. Yuck. I am not the biggest fan of the cold. I had absolutely no desire to leave the house today- I was ultimately forced. Some days I have to wear so many layers I can barely walk properly. The good news is- if I happen to slip and fall on a patch of ice, I will be well padded- although I probably won't be able to get up without assistance. I guess that's why god made cell phones :) "911....I've fallen and I can't get up....I'm not injured I just um...yeah....can't get up." That would be embarrassing. At least I'd be warm while I waited for them.

Trapped in a High School

Got tons of stuff done today. Yeah! 

I got everything figured out with my doctor about my back. You know, bills, appointments, stuff for work. Then I went and scheduled all my classes for next semester. It took forever. I went back and forth, back and forth between advisors, admissions, and registration. Transcripts. Yuck. Somehow they didn't get transferred properly so now all my prerequisites aren't on record at the new college. Damn. I got it settled now though. Thank god. I got all the classes I wanted and I can't wait to start. Bring in on! :)

Class was actually quite interesting tonight. The guy that came to teach was from Abbott laboratories. He has something to do with hazmat, but is also a part of the lake county bomb squad that I guess also has something to do with terrorism. Anyways, we went over all the basics that I have already learned; suspicious packages, secondary devices etc. This is the third time I have taken a terrorism awareness class- but I still enjoy it. The instructor showed us slides and clips from demonstrations he did at training- with letter bombs, pipe bombs, and some even using the same chemicals they used in the Oklahoma City bombing. We also talked about the world trade centers (the first bombing and 911).

A lot of the things that we talked about are kind of scary. If I wasn't the type of person I am I think this probably would have creeped me out a bit. I mean, if you think about it, we study what the terrorist does, and thinks, etc. They show us videos on how to make pipe bombs, letter bombs, and teach us the ins and outs of what these people do. It made me look twice at the people that were in my class. These types of classes are the perfect opportunity, for a person that wants to do this sort of stuff, to learn the "right" way of doing it. Scary.

I finally got my application off the IFSI website for winter fire school last night. The site was just updated with the new schedule and registration forms. I signed up for an SCBA hands-on class. Hopefully I get into it. It seems rather basic, but you can never be too proficient with your SCBA. There were some other interesting classes that were offered, but most were geared toward officers. There is also a lecture on the first night about the tragedy in New Orleans, speaking about what went on, what we did, and what we could do better next time. I think it will be quite interesting.

Lots of bullshit at the fire station recently. Since I'm a girl it seems like I can never be friends with a guy without rumors flying. Most of the people at the station don't have a problem working with a girl. But, of course, there are the select few that feel they are superior to me, even though we have the exact same training, etc. They have that attitude like "know your place" and I can't do the job. I must admit, one of the guys was a complete mistake to ever befriend because he has an abnormally large mouth and spreads rumors about anything he can get his hands on. It just doesn't seem right. I feel like I'm back in high school. Actually, it's almost worse than high school. Oh well. I just want to be treated like any one of the guys- because that's what I am. I don't want to be treated differently or given any leeway because I'm a girl. But I guess I will just move on. There are bigger fish in the sea to fry-or something. He's just another idiot that thinks he knows everything and is going to get himself into trouble in the long run. Another abuser of the system- using the department to get his FF II to move on to a bigger department and leave his behind. People just don't seem to have the same morals anymore. 

To me, the first department you get on is like your family. You can't just leave them for something better. Yeah, I plan on getting on a full time department as soon as I can, but I certainly won't be leaving my current department behind. They have supported me and helped me to get where I am and where I am going-you just can't forget that. People seem to- all to easily- forget where they came from. I, on the other hand, never plan to forget. I will give back to my community as long as I am able, and plan to stay involved as a poc/ part time even after I move on to full time. I owe this department a lot for training me and supporting me in my decisions as to where I want to go in life. I want to make them proud.

You Know you're a Medic if....

1) Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal
2) your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change
3) you find humor in other people's stupidity
4) you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac
5) your idea of comforting a child is to put him in a papoose board
6) you believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis
7) you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
8) you believe chocolate is a food group
9) you believe that unspeakable evils will result if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
10) when you're out in public and you compliment a stranger on their great veins
11) you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care center
12) you hate working nights that there is a full moon
13) you think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is appropriate for this patient
14) you have ever wanted to give a seminar on "Suicide: Doing it right the first time"
15) you have had to leave a patient's room before laughing uncontrollably
16) you think coffee should be available in IV form
17) you have ever tied someone to a bed and it was NOT a sexual experience
18) you believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis
19) you have referred to a paramedic as a "shit magnet" or "angel of death"
20) you believe that valium should come in the form of salt licks
21) when you mention "vegetable" you aren't referring to a food group
22) you've been exposed to so may x-rays that you say, "No I don't have to be concerned about birth control"
23) you've heard someone state " I have no idea how that got stuck up there"
24) you have all your weekends marked and planned for the year (what weekends)
25) you encourage an obnoxious person to sign AMA just so you don't have to put up with them
26) you make bets with your partner that you can make the next patient sign AMA
27) you use your status to get out of a speeding ticket
28) you use your status to get into the movies free or get a discount at a restaurant
29) you use the word "Gomer" in a sentence more than once in a shift
30) you know what "Gomer" means
31) you believe you could have flown around the world 1000 times with all the frequent flier miles your patients are racking up
32) you have ever bet on someones blood alcohol level
33) if you've ever won the bet
34) you ask a completely intoxicated patient how much they've had to drink and they say "two beers"
35) you see a coworker outside of work and you say "I didn't even recognize you with your clothes on" or "So, that's what you look like in clothes"
36) you can eat a full three course meal in less than 5 minutes
37) you have reheated that meal more than 3 times before you actually got the five minutes to eat it
38) you need lube and it's not a sexual experience
39) you have said "give me more pressure" and it's not a sexual experience
40) you enjoy working a full code because its a "good workout"
41) you compare the vomit in a full arrest to the exorcist
42) you have MRSA of the everything
43) you've ever been told you look like a prison guard
44) your uniforms take up more room in your closet than your street clothes
45) you own more than two pairs of steel toed boots
46) you have a window punch, seatbelt cutter, cpr mask, and gloves-all on your keychain
47) you actually have a good time with a psych patient
48) you actually believe that sleep is overrated
49) you can only identify where you are by what your wearing
50) you have partial hearing loss from the sirens
51) you wake up every two hours thinking you have a call- even on your nights off
52) you know the McDonald's menu from memory
53) the gals at Dunkin donut's know what you order and have it ready for you when you arrive
54) you run errands on duty to make use of the "fire lane: no parking" so you don't have to walk as far
55) you know what a GI bleed smells like
56) you think of gangrene and necrosis every time you use bleach
57) you critique shows and movies such as ER or Ladder 49 down to the last detail of what they did wrong
58) you actually enjoy pressing the "shock" button because it gives you power
59) CPR is a game: who can make the biggest wave on the monitor
60) you do anything to your patients like the cops do on Super Troopers....right meow???
61) you get so used to your bed at work you have a hard time sleeping at home
62) you believe CTD (circling the drain) and TDN (taking a dirt nap) should be approved abbreviations
63) you enjoy pushing narcan because it's like bringing back the dead

Good times. I keep adding to this list I keep in my journal at home. It has actually gotten rather long. Not much excitement today. I just can't wait to get back to work. Hopefully in the next week or two. Tomorrow I finally sign up for classes for next semester-yeah! Anyways, I need to get back to my busy life of nothing, so I will write more nonsense tomorrow.

Comments

 Just a note- I may change my settings so that only blogger.com or registered users can comment. I have had some ( actually 1) unwanted/unsolicited comment(s) recently and would prefer to keep the comment section related to my life regarding my work. My personal life is just that-personal, and I would like to keep it that way. I started this blog to express myself through my work, and I think I have done a pretty good job of that. The only personal things that have started to leak into this blog really aren't all that personal. And basically the only reason these have leaked is because I am out of work due to a back injury-which you would know if you have kept up with this blog :). I just want constructive comments, etc., you know what I mean-okay? Otherwise I will have to set some guidelines regarding who can comment and what will actually get posted in the comments section of the page. More later.

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I also added a guest book at the very bottom of the page-please sign and add your blog address if you have one-if I like it, I just might add it to my links.

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Pretty boring day. I have gotten some relief with my new meds for my back. (Thank God!) The only bad thing is that I feel so toasted it is hard to do normal daily things. I'm just ready to get off all these meds and get back to work. Good news-my cat still hasn't knocked over the Christmas tree. Yeah! I can't believe it. Hopefully this is a good sign that it will actually last after I get all the ornaments on it too.

It has gotten really cold. We even have a small amount of snow on the ground. When I went out today I think it was 17 degrees. I don't know what the wind chill was, but it felt really cold.

I tried watching the movie National Treasure, but I couldn't get comfortable enough on the couch or chair to sit through the movie. Oh well. I'll try again another day.

I have class tomorrow: Ropes and knots. I wish I would have been practicing my knots the past few weeks because I'm really not the best at them. If I don't practice every once in a while I totally forget how to do them. Class starts at 0800- hopefully we will be out by noon. I need to study my Hazmat stuff too. I hope we don't have a quiz on it tomorrow because I haven't looked over the placards or anything yet.

Only 11 more days until graduation! The lady from the department that does the uniform ordering called for our sizes yesterday. I'm just so excited. Most of my family won't be able to make it for my graduation since I live so far away from everybody. My mother is the only one so far that is definitely coming. Oh well. I really wish my grandfather could be there because I know this is really important to him. I will now be a third generation firefighter in my family. That's pretty cool.

Another ER visit

My day started out shitty. I definitely should have stayed in bed. Let's see. The first indication: breakfast. I was sitting there just minding my own business, eating my cereal. Then- here comes the cat. I picked him up to move him off the counter so he wouldn't try to drink the milk in my cereal. That was mistake number one. Do you ever get that feeling that as soon as you do something you know you shouldn't have-only it's two seconds too late? It happened all too fast. The cat's foot went into the cereal bowl and knocked it down. The milk and cereal spilled down the side of the counter, all over me, down the wall and all over the carpeting. Great. I sat there for probably 45 seconds before I could actually clean it up-and change into different clothes. At least it got me into the shower quick. I have continued to drop almost everything I have picked up today. Great-just don't give me anything fragile-or anything that I can spill.

Finally made a good dinner tonight. I made pork chops, mashed potatoes, applesauce....mmm. It was good. I also watched the Blue's Brothers. It was pretty good too.

Class was relatively uneventful. Tonight was Hazmat part B. Yeah. We learned about placards and using the ERG (Emergency Response Guide). Good times. That is one of my favorite past-times for car rides...especially long ones. Last summer I went to Manhattan and looked up all the tankers etc. along the way. It's pretty scary what is on the road with us. I knew when to speed up and get upwind :) I think I messed up my back even worse tonight. More later.

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Yeah. My back is really bad. I just got back from the ER. Now the pain is radiating down my right leg, my left leg goes numb every once in a while, and I have pain in my hips and into my abdomen. This just sucks. I thought for sure I was going to get stuck being admitted but they were pretty generous to me-seeing as I am a medic :). I drove myself so they really couldn't do a whole lot for me. They gave me a shot of Toradol and a Valium (as a muscle relaxant) for the road. Then I sat at Walgreen’s- well more like wandered around because it hurts too much to sit for very long- for 45 minutes waiting for my prescriptions. The ER doctor gave me Oxycontin, more Norco, and Valium until I see my doctor again. I'm not supposed to see him until the 13th, but I have a bad feeling I will be seeing him much sooner. Dammit.

I am finally home and ready to just relax. I plan on watching "Paramedics" on Discovery health channel and doing some word find puzzles. I might even play Snood for a while or look over my Hazmat stuff. I can't believe I graduate in 12 days. Wow.

It's almost kind of scary realizing that I am going to be a real-live firefighter in less than two weeks. Crazy in fact. I really just can't get over this. We take our Mod C test and the Hazmat Awareness test on the same day. That will probably suck a little bit. Oh well.

I'm really getting excited about next semester. I plan on going back to being a full time student (along with working full time). I signed up for several classes already. I will be taking two online classes: Intro to Sociology and United States History to 1876. I will also be taking classes on campus: Intro to Ballet I, Jazz Technique I, Abnormal Psychology, and Mythology and Fairy tales (English). It seems like a lot, but I figure that the dance classes really don't count because they aren't really classes. They are more just for fun. I pray that my back will be recovered by then. I will need to work really hard in physical therapy to be ready by January 18th when classes start. I think the dance will help me a lot with my poise and balance-maybe make me feel a bit more like a woman-which I think is very important.

I love to indulge my feminine side. Believe it or not I get my nails done every once in a while-tips and all with a French manicure. It does sometimes prove to be a pain after training or a messy call because I'm a little obsessive compulsive about the cleanliness of my hands (and nails). My bedroom is even painted pink, and all my decorations are girly and flowery. I guess since my job is so masculine I need somewhere to express myself (my other side I suppose).